Player Profiles

Ross M

Being a mixed bag of Scottish and Lebanese genes, it’s surprising that Ross is any good at football at all.

However, the man with the least cranial hair and the most bodily hair on the team (contentious -ed), has had a stormer of a first season with the Pacers, proving to be a deft striker.

Shame all of his prowess was gained during the pre-season friendlies, and now won’t count towards the Golden Boot award.

Drafted in by Nick K, whom he met studying birds and booze in France, Ross proves the theory that no more than 2 or 3 Pacers originate from the same connection.

Recently dropped down to a part-timer due to his Saturday North London football commitments, but will remain a valued occasional when available.

Kev Newton

Many great enlightened British scholars such as George Orwell, Oscar Wilde and Lord Byron are well renowned for their literary genius, have had a library worth of books written about their life’s work, and been subject to the analysis of thousands upon thousands of academics over and over again. 
Kevin Newton on the other hand can be surmised in one sentence “the reverse Kevlar!”.
Kevlar  is a combative defender who never shirks a challenge (unless the guy is really really big), and likes to get stuck in, as in the mould of traditional northern sexy football – or aptly named Up n Under tactics.
Can nick in with the odd cheeky goal and finish like a Pro when the opportunity arises. 
Still bigging up his one and only league goal from last year (despite the fact we were losing 5-1) which saw him leap above Rob ‘never score again’ Delaney in the scoring charts last year with a grand total of 1 goal for the season.
He has a strange fascination with lighthouses, and once found his way home from Norwich to Boro purely by paddling his rubber dingy along the shores of our great country.
After a few drinks Kevlar has a strange, yet charming, inclination to hang like a monkey off the nearest person, putting all his weight on you.
If ever on a European Tour with Kevla and he asks you to get out and check one of the rear tires……Don’t, You’ll end up having to hitch all the way home.
A man of many curiosities.

Stand and Deliver.

Alex Kearnes

The youngest Pacer in the squad, Alex is a fine all-round midfielder with a penchant for luminous underwear.
Strong in the tackle and dangerous around the box, he is already building a reputation within the club (mostly for not getting out of bed on time and forgetting the kit).
At uni, Alex was known as L’Oreal on account of his shoulder-length David Ginola style mane (now sadly cropped).
Probably the only Pacer to feature in the Daily Mail, alongside all the other scroungers: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1210698/Square-deal-Unemployed-graduate-offered-job-displaying-giant-CV-4th-plinth.html
Alex also has a strange habit of doing Johnny B Goode air guitar when drunk (as in Marty Mcfly from back to the future, with the guitar behind his head).
Strange Boy!

Because I'm worth it!

Jordan Leveridge

White Van Man Jordan returned from his recent loan spell in South America with nothing more than altitude sickness and VD.
Big centre forward a-la Brian Deane, Katie Price finished top scorer in 2010/2011, and also bagged goal of the season with a sublimely ridiculous 30 yard header.
Jordan was also credited with inventing the new sport of ‘Extreme Shitting’ on The Pacers’ recent tour of Biarritz.
Bear Grylls would have been proud, as he vaulted the cliff wall, clung onto a tree and sprayed his innards all over the Basque Country!
Loves a reacharound, pablos espanol muy bueno, hasn’t scored since February.
To quote the oppo “Your number 9′s got a MASSIVE head!”

Standard stuff really

Matt Noonan

Ex-Manager Matt hung up his sheepskin this season in order to prolong his playing career.
A versatile player, he likes the ball at his feet either in a holding midfield role or at the back.
He has also been known to don the goalie gloves in emergency situations, with varying results!
He will go down in history for making the most baffling decision since Graham Taylor substituted Gary Lineker for Carlton Palmer…
Namely, introducing a clumping centre half in the dying minutes of the Margaret Grey cup final leaving ‘dynamic’ centre-forward Kevlar on the bench.
We lost the game.
A Pacer Legend on and off the pitch, Matt is the Pacer most likely to be voted ‘linesman of the season’ by the West Fulham League.
Impeccable flagging, Noonan.

Offside!

Paul Sprackling

Paul, or ‘Spracks’ as he is affectionately known amongst Pacers, is the longest-serving Pacer and holds the record for most Pacer appearances.
He started playing in 1906 when the Pacers wore long shorts and kicked around a manky old haggis instead of a football. 
Incredibly, in his 1,296 seasons wearing the Pacer blue, Spracks has amassed an incredible 5 (vidiprinter…Five) goals!  (although, the archives were lost in the great fire of london, so this total may not be 100% accurate.)
Spracks is a classy, ball-playing midfielder or defender and a legend in Ladies Shoes.
He will lay down his life on the line for the Pacer cause, just don’t ask to borrow his Jimmy Choos, he’ll go fucking mental.

Jimmy Choo

Ashley Allarakhia

Manager, goalscoring midfielder or centre forward, Ash is unique among Pacers in that he perfers to control the ball off his knees a-la Paulo Wanchope, strange.
Once rumoured to have passed the ball to a team-mate, he is the only player who can beat a man whilst giggling like a girl at the same time. 
Ash is consistently at the top of the scoring charts and always causes the opposition problems.
Ash is also a master of the French tongue, as long as you want to order Cider or a Margharita, stick with him and you’ll be fine.
Plays guitar with what can only be described as a ‘Mong Face’, such are the demands of all 4 chords of Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since You Been Gone’.
If you read about an accident on the A3 in the South London Press, it’s a safe bet that the Pacers have been playing at Wimbledon Common extensions and Ash was up front!  Seriously Ash, those trees are massive, how did you manage it!?
A very feminine man indeed.

Ash's weekend attire